once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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