it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
