Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
nutella sex= disaster
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
did you just send me my own nude
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
