you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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