"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
