Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
