The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
