Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
