my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
