She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
