the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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