In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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