based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
