I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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