this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
