I will die if light touches me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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