Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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