i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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