My first STD was from a foam party
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
