if i can run in heels then i can drive
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
