ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
