Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
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IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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