Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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