I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.