I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
