Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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