I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Drake has all the answers
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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