I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize