bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
