Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She swung at the pinata with crutches
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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