I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
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i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
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Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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