My Higher Power is John Stamos
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you made out with another girl for some wings
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
