im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
