Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
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So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence