Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
