This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
