Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
