He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
