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The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i wish my penis had a tongue
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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