Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
