respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
