Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
