Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
operation harelip BJ is a go
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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