trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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