guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
