I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
