I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
