The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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