It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
