If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize