i just sent this text using only my big toe
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
