new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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