Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
