I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Every concussion has its silver lining
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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