just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
