Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
